Hi! Iβm LP and I feel a deep, deep hatred for the song βAfricaβ by Toto!
*all together now: βHi LP!β*
Iβve felt this almost physical disgust since the first time I heard this song on TopPop (a legendary Dutch pop music show), sometime in 1983. My hatred is such that I donβt even have to hear the song, just thinking about it makes my blood boil. By βthinking about itβ I of course mean βplaying the song in my headβ because I of course know it inside and out. And backwards.
Iβm not sure why I have these strong negative feelings towards this song. Itβs not like Iβm a music snob or anything: I unironically love Wonderwall with all my heart. And itβs not like I canβt appreciate bombastic β80s music: “Red Rain” is one of my favorite songs ever. Hell, I donβt even mind getting Rickrolled. But βAfricaβ makes me want to pick up an axe and split something down the middle. Forcefully. Seeing that I strongly believe in βKnow Thyselfβ, I decided to analyse my feelings β by analysing the song. To make sure that I havenβt changed it all up in my head throughout the years, I put it on and listened to it. Oh boy.
The intro. βTA-tata-tatata-TAβ. An annoying pattern if there ever was one, especially if itβs repeated 4 times and is accompanied by a weird kind of marimba/kelimba sound produced by a synthesizer. Despite the song being called βAfricaβ, this is not an African rhythm. Itβs more of a Jazz Fusion style Latin-rip off, and thereβs no musical genre that gets on my nerves as much as Jazz Fusion does: Thereβs just way too many notes a second happening.
Here comes the first line: βI hear the drums echoing tonightβ, because the intro could make you forget that itβs Africa weβre talking about here. Because in Africa, thereβs of course always drums echoing somewhere, right? *rolleyes* The dude that wrote this song clearly suffers from a case of the βAfrica is a countryβ-syndrome, because the lyrics are littered with the type of heavy-handed clues that give me heart burn: an βold man along the wayβ who has to provide him with βsome long forgotten words or ancient melodiesβ (Magical Negro trope, anyone?), there are of course βwild dogsβ who βcry out in the nightβ and just when you think it canβt get any worse, thereβs this beauty: βAs sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengetiβ.
This. Is. Fucking. Bullshit. First of all, the Kilimanjaro and the Serengeti are nowhere near each other, and second, and this is where I start foaming at the mouth, YOU CANβT JUST DECIDE TO START PRONOUNCING IT AS βSE-renget-Iβ TO SQUEEZE IT INTO YOUR MELODY LINE.
*exhales*
Ok, letβs go back a bit, because the first line is also the only line that is intelligible in the entire song. Anyone whoβs ever heard this song being βsungβ along to in a cafΓ©, knows that itβs mostly mumbling until the chorus sets in. Yes, thatβs the part where the singer all of a sudden, and for no reason, starts singing about an octave or two higher than he was before. For years, I thought that this was a case of βbadly connected head and chest voiceβ, but it turns out itβs just a completely different dude than the dude that mumbles through the verses. Not that chorus dude is more intelligible. For those thinking: βOh come on you whiner, I understand him just fine! I always sing along to this part at the pub!β, hereβs a quiz:
Iβll give you line 1, which is βItβs gonna take a lot to drag me away from youβ. Now the next line is
a) Thereβs nothing but a hundred men on Marshall Avenue!
b) Thereβs nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do!
c) Thereβs nothing that a hundred men on Mars can ever do!
d) Thereβs nothing that a ha-waa-waa ow mow cadava-dooo!
Itβs b, but it could just as well have been any of the others, because WHAT IS THIS SONG ABOUT ANYWAY? I still have no clue.
But first, letβs get to the banger: the first line of the chorus! Which is:
a) I was raised down in Africa
b) I miss the rains down in Africa
c) I piss in the rain down in Africa
Ha! Catch question! Because nope, itβs none of the above. Itβs βI bless the rains down in Africaβ. And why would he be doing that? So that they can βdo the things they never haaaaaaaaaaayahaaahyaaaahaaaveβ. Which would be banging. We now have an answer to βWHAT IS THIS SONG ABOUT ANYWAY?β: itβs not about Africa.
The track continues: another mumbly verse in that forced melody line, still that annoying pattern, more and more instruments, itβs like a steam locomotive storming towards another chorus. My God, this song is STUFFED. Thereβs no breaks or pauses, none of the instruments decide to lay low for a bar or two. Every second is filled to the brim with music, it quite literally takes my breath away β and not in a good way. I have to admit that βWhen Doves Cryβ is my favorite song ever, so I might be on the other side of the preference spectrum when it comes to how βfullβ I like my tracks, but itβs worth it to compare βAfricaβ to βTake it easyβ by the Eagles to hear what I mean. That is also a song in which a lot of stuff happens, but it feels way less like a massive piece of wood being repeatedly banged against your head. Or maybe Iβm just biased, because the Eagles are love.
Anyway, we trudge through yet another chorus and thenβ¦ thereβs a synthesizersolo that seems to have walked in from a completely different track. If youβd gone to the toilet at the beginning of this track and are only now coming back, youβd be tempted to think that youβve gotten out of the βAfricaβ-hell and instead have been transported to another, more βThe Little Mermaidβ-style hell. But thankfully then thereβs another one of those #@$$%^#$ choruses, and now the dude starts ad libbing and hereβs another rain being blessed in Africa and then weβre done, oh, wait, no, thereβs a THIRTY SECOND OUTRO. ON A FOUR AND A HALF MINUTE SONG.
I think itβs pretty obvious that pretty much everything about this track annoys me to no end, but the most enraging, the thing that almost makes me explode into tiny bits of rage and gives me visions of chopping things down the middle with a huge axe is the βooh-hooβ at the end of the chorus. Glad to have been able to solve that mystery. So anyway, hereβs Wonderwall.
2
Lynsey
June 22, 2018Thank you for writing this! Now that Weezer remade the song, I hear it all the time. I share your sentiments, and was pleasantly surprised to see I’m not alone. I actually googled, I hate Africa by Toto to see if I was the only person who can’t stand this song.
LP
June 23, 2018Hi Lynsey! Welcome to the club, there must be more of us out there! π Thank you for warning me, I haven’t heard the Weezer remake yet, and will do everything in my power to keep it that way.
Mari
July 15, 2018Thank you LP for putting into words what I failed miserably to do. I hate “Africa” and can’t imagine why Weezer would cover this dreadful song!!
LP
July 15, 2018Hi Mari! Welcome to the club! π And thank you for your kind comment. I have still managed to avoid hearing the Weezer cover, but yeah, I also have no idea why people apparently love this song so much that they’re remaking it.
Mindi
September 21, 2018Hate it, hate it, HATE IT! Thank you for being a normal person and putting into words what everyone should be thinking about the song. I canβt understand why everyone around me seems to love the song while I cringe every time it comes on the radio.
LP
September 21, 2018Thank you for your comment and welcome to the club! I think that is the thing that baffles me the most: that SO MANY people love this song SO MUCH. I really don’t get it.
spence
October 11, 2018Ya’ll just dont appreciate art
LP
October 11, 2018That must be it. π
Paco Estrada
October 14, 2018I fucking hate it too!!! I googled “I hate Africa by toto” … and yes, there is many haters! Let’s make a group haha
LP
October 14, 2018Welcome to the club! π We are still a small group, but we’re growing in numbers. π
Ree
November 5, 2018I, too, googled βI hate Africa by Totoβ just to see if I was alone. I hear it constantly now because Weezer covered it and I hate it so damn much.
LP
November 5, 2018Hi Ree, thanks for your comment and welcome to our club! ;-D
I have up to now managed to avoid hearing the Weezer cover, but from what I’ve heard from others, it’s… yeah. :-S
Claire Eke
December 12, 2018Oh my gosh thank you for saying this, I’m Nigerian and literally every time I hear the chorus I want to hack my ears off. Like we didn’t ask? We have our rainy season sweetie, you can keep the blessings. Also fuck off. Also white man pronunciation of Kilimanjaro makes me wanna cry
LP
December 13, 2018Thank you for your amazing comment! <3!